Grief/Isaiah
On November 22nd, 2017, my little brother met Jesus face to face after a fatal horseback riding accident. Below are the post updates and emails we sent to our friends, family, and Church as we received news on Isaiah’s condition during his four days in the hospital, as well as that last day – the day before Thanksgiving – when he was taken up into glory. These posts are followed by a video recording of Isaiah’s Memorial Service, and the song my Mom sang at his funeral.
The days following Isaiah’s Adventure, I wrote on pain, grief, and suffering, especially during the time of Christmas. They are also posted below.
My Brother’s Last Ride: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 1
First news and injuries.
“Please pray for my little brother Isaiah. He was in a riding accident this afternoon and was dragged and trampled across a 60×80 foot arena. He was airlifted to Harbor View in Seattle and is currently in critical condition and on life support. He has multiple broken ribs, a fractured pelvis, a lacerated spleen, a broken shoulder, a broken arm, a broken leg, internal bleeding, and bleeding and swelling of the brain. The biggest concern is trauma to the brain. The doctors are currently running an MRI to see if they can discern what is happening. They don’t understand why he has not woken up yet…”
Click here to read the full article.
My Father’s Heart at the Hospital Bed: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 2
Email from my Dad to our Church the first night in the hospital.
“But what you need to know is that God is also the God of all comfort. The Lord Jesus knows as a man what it means to be broken-hearted and He is the great High Priest who knows our pain…To know that God is sovereign and there is not one single random molecule in the entire universe that escapes His sovereign control. That God knew that we would be here right now and it is part of His plan and governing in the affairs of men. Sometimes we can sit there and blame ourselves but we simply aren’t important to blame, if that makes sense. Who do we think we are that we would imagine that we could control or govern the affairs of our own life. It is at moments like these that we realize how little control we have and how weak we actually are. It is at moments like these where we cling to God…”
Click here to read the full article.
Pain, Fear, and Comotos: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 3
Update received at 5:00 am, after a sleepless night at the hospital (and at home).
“They have found significant damage to the brain, although we do not know the extent yet. There is also a lot of internal bleeding but the doctors cannot tell where it is coming from. At first, they thought it was caused by the rupture in his spleen, but after an ultrasound, they found this is not the case. They are doing a blood transfusion so he does not continue losing blood. He also had a punctured lung, so one of the concerns is that the bleeding will enter his lung…”
Click here to read the full article.
Gathered Around a Hospital Bed: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 4
Our entire extended family was able to visit Isaiah on the second day of the hospital.
“It was really really hard for all of us to see our sweet, happy, precious Isaiah in his present condition. But God is so good. We were able to be there for nearly 5 hours, praying, crying, and singing hymns to Jesus…There is no change in his condition. The only thing that whispers of life, is that when you put your hand on his chest, you can feel his little heart, fluttering beneath the wires, and gauze, and scratched up skin. My parents are staying at the hospital again with him tonight as the rest of us go home and try to get a good nights sleep, so we can come back and see him again tomorrow…”
Click here to read the full article.
A Ten-Year-Old’s Heart for Heaven: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 5
Reflections on God’s preparation for eternity in the heart of my brother.
“After we tucked the kids into bed tonight, Maya and I went into Isaiah’s room and crawled into his bed. He had the book that he’s been working his way through sitting next to his Avengers alarm clock. It’s the book, Heaven, by Randy Alcorn. Isaiah asked if he could read it himself several weeks ago and has been working away at it every night. His bookmark was just beginning chapter 11. Some of the chaptertitles that he has read include things like: “Can you know you’re going to Heaven?” “What is Life Like in the Present Heaven?” and “This World Is Not Our Home.” The last chapter he read in it is called, “What Will It Mean for the Curse to be Lifted?” This is a passage from the last page of that chapter. He probably read it the night right before his accident, as he was going to sleep….”
Click here to read the full article.
Poem From A Broken Heart: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 6
My sister, Maya (16), wrote this poem in the back seat of a car on our way back from the hospital.
“I see no stars in this night,
I see no victory in this fight,
My heart is breaking with unbeatable woe,
My own frailty is my greatest foe,
But a sudden thought awakens my trust: God is my Rock – my own strength is dust,
And this everlasting, shall be my song:
That when I am weak, then am I strong…”
Click here to read the full article.
The Words We Dread To Hear: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 7
The night we found my little brother had no brain activity.
“Last night and today, for hours and hours on end, the doctors at Harborview performed all of the scans necessary to determine Isaiah’s brain activity. He has no brain activity. He is still currently on life support, and his hands are warm as we press them, his forehead is warm as we kiss it, his little heart is still fluttering beneath the bandages and tubes. But his brain is not functioning or responding at all. He cannot feel anything, and so is not in any pain…This time is unspeakably hard for all of us. There are no words. There is only a dull, weary ache in every part of our bodies and souls, and sometimes, this sharp, sudden pang as the needle of reality pricks into our hearts. The painful realism is sweeter than the dull ache, but God is with us through every moment. There are so many things I want to say, but all that comes out is broken sobs, and a screaming in my soul, and the thought: I miss you. I miss you. I love you so so much, little brother…”
Click here to read the full article.
My Son Beat Me to the Finished Line: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 8
An email my Dad sent to our Church, when we learned that God was going to take Isaiah home.
“My father’s heart wants to take all the pain away from my children, to somehow protect them, but help cannot ultimately come from another drowning person. My husband’s heart wants to be a pillar of strength for my wife, but we have found that often the only thing we can do is sit there and weep together. It is then that we are reminded of God’s sovereignty, and what at first may seem like a “cold doctrine” becomes to us a “soft pillow for a weary head”. It is the knowledge that not only do all things come to us by the hand of a sovereign God but by the LOVING HAND of a sovereign God…Isaiah is approaching the finish line. His race is almost done and he has run well. I’ve always been able to beat him in every race, but in the great race, God has ordained that he should beat me. He’ll be waiting for us at the finish line and that finish line is looking sweeter and sweeter every day…”
Click here to read the whole article.
A Letter to My Dying Brother: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 9
A letter I wrote and read to Isaiah on his last full day this side of heaven.
“My little Isaiah. You are so very brave. I always knew you would become a true warrior for Jesus. We love you so so much little brother…All of us are praying for you. You’re being so brave, so tough, so strong. Such a good warrior for Jesus. Just always remember: He has won the war. This is a battle you can’t lose. He has won the victory for you. He has slain the dragon. You are not just a brave warrior, you are more than a conqueror through Him who loves you. He has you inscribed in the palms of his hands…”
Click here to read the full article.
Until We Meet Again, Little Brother: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 10
We said goodbye…
“This evening, at 4:20 PM, our sweet little Isaiah left the land of the dying, to go to the land of the living. We were all with him in his last moments, holding his hand and feeling his chest, as his heart beats got further and further apart. We sang him into glory. Daddy says the angels picked up the chorus on the other side. We were able to be with him all day, to cuddle with him in his bed, to kiss his cheek, squeeze his hand, and each have a few minutes alone with him to say our goodbyes, ‘Until we meet again, little brother.’…
Click here to read the full article.
The Great Thanksgiving: Isaiah’s Adventure Part 11
An email my Dad sent to our Church the day after Isaiah went to heaven.
“When I first got to the hospital and realized that my son might not be leaving with me, I pictured, in my mind, the passing of a baton. It had been our job to safeguard him and love him, Celeste and I were going to be handing that baton to God and then it would be His job. But as the hours wore on, I realized that we had never been the ones truly carrying the baton in the first place. Celeste and I were not the ones who were responsible for filling his lungs with air and causing his heart to beat. We put food on his plate but his body did with it as God determined. We preached the gospel to him and told him of the good news of a Savior but we did nothing to cause him to believe…I guess what I’ve come to realize is that Isaiah had always been God’s charge, even as we ourselves are in His hands. Trust me when I say, that’s a wonderful place to be…to rest…”
Click here to read the full article.
Isaiah’s Memorial Service
A video recording of Isaiah’s Memorial Service, on Saturday, December 9th, 2017.
Click here to watch on YouTube.
Sacrifice of Praise: My Mother’s Song at Isaiah’s Funeral
Click here to watch on YouTube.
Below are a collection of articles I wrote on pain and grief, in the days following Isaiah’s death.
Why Pain Makes Apologetics Important
An article I wrote for the apologetics group I assist in leading at our Church.
“It still doesn’t feel real yet. The reality of my little brother’s death felt more real while we were waiting in the hospital at his side, than it does now that it has actually happened. Right now, life just feels numb, vaguely wrong, with a tinge of nausea. And it’s real. So terribly real. But as my Dad likes to say, it’s not the ultimate reality…When you have nothing left in this world, the sovereignty and goodness and all the promises of God become the rock you fall on by His grace because everything else has been stripped from under your feet. The stone walls have cracked around you and now the foundation becomes all the more precious. The ice has splintered and the waters are coming up around your head, but you know that He has tread the bottom, and found it good….This is why we need to know not only what we believe, by why we believe, from the basis of Scripture: Because trials try what you believe to be true. Your life becomes staked on what is true – it always was, but pain makes you realize it. What you believe is true in easy times must still be known as true in hard times.”
Click here to read full article.
My Tears On Christmas: To Those Who Are Grieving Today
Then came Christmas…
“Christmas is here, but the ache in my heart is full of sorrow. This morning, I did not wake with joyful anticipation, but with sickening dread. Throughout the day, as stockings were brought down, as packages were torn open, as my siblings laughed and exclaimed over their gifts, there were moments when my tears refused to flow – though I wanted them so desperately. And there were other moments when the tears came, and in vain I struggled to hold them back: As I looked at the one lonely stocking left on the beam when all the other ones had been taken down and opened. As I strained my ears for the missing voice, the laugh, the jokes, the smiles. As I looked around the room, full of gifts and wrapping paper and small children, and felt it looked so painfully empty. Christmas without Isaiah. I was dreading this day…But God does not rejoice in my grief. He grieves with me. The sorrow and pain of this world fills his heart. The silent scream of my soul has reached his ear, and the answer which he sent back was Christmas.”